The Light in the Darkness

My daughter was 6 years old.

I was laying in my bed (my safe place) and Ron was with me. During this time in my anxiety journey I was scared to be alone. He was my person. He is my person.

My daughter walked in with a wet washcloth and asked if I would wash her face. This was not Just a child asking for help. This is a moment. An astonishingly, beautiful moment that I will never forget.

*Backstory*

I was in the middle of what I call the ‘breakdown.’ A terrifying, climb-under-a-rock scary place to be. While I fought to Be again our children went to my moms. I didn’t want them to see me like that. I missed them but I knew that I had to work on myself with Ron’s help. Our children had come home at this point but I had still not taken care of them like a mama.

My daughter- my whole world daughter stood there with a wet washcloth and a face full of paint. My first thought was no. I can’t do this. I want to hide. Ron being the amazing husband and he is jumped in and offered to wash her face. It took me a moment and I said, “No. Let me.”

I reached out and took the cloth from her hand. She stood there innocently like only a 6 year old can. Her wide, beautiful eyes looking into mine. Her face was my whole focus. I heard nothing. All was silent as I lifted my arm and placed the cloth under her eye. I wiped slowly as I looked at the curves around her nose. The soft hair close to her forehead. The sureness in her eyes that said my mama’s got this. I slide the cloth along her jawline and my tears are streaming down my chin. I don’t wipe them away. I slide the cloth across her sprinkle of freckles and across her lips. She is a part of me and I continue to cry silently and wash her beautiful face.

This peaceful moment brought me my first glimmer of hope.

Hope is such a precious thing. Tucked quietly in my heart was the hope of tomorrow. The hope of better. The hope that I will love again without abandon like I did in that moment. I was capable of being the most important thing in the world. A mama.

When we are in dark places it is hard to see the light. We claw and we reach and we fight and we don’t give up. Oh no, we don’t give up. Because little things become big things and that glimmer will be there suddenly and we will grab it and not let go. We will hold on with everything that we have and all that we are and let that light overwhelm us and hold us close until we can stand again. And stand we will.

Thank you, my daughter who in a moment gave me my first glimpse of Hope. My first light in the darkness.

With Love,

Neely

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Colleen
Colleen
1 year ago

written eloquently. Your words can help many that suffer. You used the word hope.. often. I never heard it so often in a message but using it made me feel what u feel but in a small way because l do not suffer with anxiety. I see the word HOPE differently now.