The Monster Inside of Me

Are you afraid of monsters?

Are you afraid of clowns with balloons and sharp teeth?

How about dogs? Heights? Spiders? Weather?

I want you to picture your biggest fear.  

A stranger with a knife?  Losing someone you love?

Now I want you to picture this biggest fear, this terrifying keep-awake-at-night fear is living inside of you.  Really picture how horrific that would be.

My monster is anxiety.

When I was in my “dark days” I will call it because I don’t know exactly what that was.  Mental breakdown?  no idea but I pictured myself running out of my house into the field.  Just away.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and get away.  No matter where I would run I could not get away because this monster was inside of me.  There was no escaping myself.  

You can run away from clowns.  You can run away from dogs and strangers with knives.  You can’t run away from yourself.

I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to live.

Let me repeat that. I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO LIVE.

My husband saved my life.  I was seconds away from running into traffic.  I wanted to kill the monster.  The look on my husband’s face stopped me.  Fear and love.  I then just held on to him for dear life.

I have a beautiful life and no part of me wants to leave it.  My children.  Oh, my children.  K’s sneaky little face when he is about to get into something.  C between boy and man and trying to be more the latter.  R’s gentle way who keeps everyone together.  A’s teetering as she hesitantly leaves the nest.    Sunshine.  Butterflies landing.  R’s laugh.  Oh how I love R’s laugh.  A good book or even better The promise of a good book.

The thought of living with this monster for even 3 more seconds was unbearable.  

I got help.  I fought with every part of me for help.  I made sure loved ones were with me at all times for 3 days until I knew I was stronger than the monster.  I went to the doctors and I got medication.  

I will share my story one day but for now I wanted to share how it feels to live with anxiety.  

It is a monster but it can be quieted and we CAN win.

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Rachel Waechtler
Rachel Waechtler
1 year ago

This! I also struggle with anxiety and it is nice to be reminded that I can win!